I’m Terrified!

At almost 39 weeks, it could be any day now. My emotions are overflowing with excitement and anticipation, as well as terror! I have absolutely no idea what to except. I’ve seen my sister labor, and I’ve seen a video of a baby being born in the 90’s. What will it be like for me? I keep running through my head the moment they put our baby on my chest and I see her face, as well as the contractions, the blood, the needles and the barf. If you haven’t noticed already, I think about pregnancy and labor ALL THE TIME. I go back and forth in my head of losing control while feeling an overwhelming amount of anxiety and fear, and then to a place where I say to myself, I can do this. I can overcome this empowering experience. But can I? I’m going to have to because this baby has to get out of me somehow. I love to run and have missed it for the past YEAR. I’m hoping I can run this marathon, even though I’ve never done one before.

We are at the point where whenever I call Chris, he wonders for a second before he picks up the phone, “did her water break?” My days are busy, yet boring. I always find something to do, and I can only do so much. When I’m pushing the cart around Fred Meyer or reading at Neptune Coffee trying to get as close to the table as I can with this large bump in the way, I plan an escape route for if my water breaks. How weird would that be if it happened while alone in public? Especially since I tend to freeze and choke up in crisis mode. Since a couple weeks ago, while walking it feels like she could drop out of me. It helps when I see all these people around me and remember, they were all birthed from a woman’s uterus, so I can do this too!

I never had major cravings just because most of the time food never sounded good, or I just threw it up. I ate what I could keep down, and most of the time that was toast and fruit. With my appetite pretty much back to normal, foods that I have been enjoying are salads, grapefruit, cupcakes (from Trophy) and ice. I have a Klean Kanteen water bottle I fill up a few times a day with ice and water. The ice stays in the bottle all day and melts to a perfect chewing size. I don’t know why it makes me feel so good to eat it, but it does. Another thing I am crazy about is the smell of detergent and dish soap. I have been doing laundry and dishes way more, just so I can smell the wonderful aroma. These smells make me so happy, and no I don’t eat them, I just get them very close to my nose. Can someone diagnose that?

This will probably be my last blog post before the baby arrives. I wanted to share my fears and thoughts about labor before it actually happened to me, and then share my actual experience of it. I know it’s going to be amazing, but I also know it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’m praying that God gives me that endurance to do it, and that I may even enjoy it.

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-My mom wore this dress as a newborn. I wore this dress as a newborn. Now the next generation will wear it as a newborn. I’m thinking this Easter. And isn’t it just so darling?-


I’m Terrified!

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