With about a month left to go of being pregnant, I can’t stop thinking about the moment we meet our daughter. What she’ll look like, the sound of her cry, her smell, how tall she’ll be! We finally have her room set up. It’s way cooler than our room. A few of Chris’ records are hanging on the wall, including a photo of David Bowie (of course).
With the morning sickness finally subsiding at nearly 30 weeks (for the most part), I’ve had the mental and physical energy to be excited, which to be honest, I had a hard time being those first 30 weeks. I now daydream of holding our little human, and the love I will have for her…I can’t even begin to comprehend.
I know if you’ve never been pregnant, just like if you don’t have kids, you’ll never know or understand how weird and hard it is. There are beautiful things about being pregnant, of course! But for me, I have enjoyed it very, very little. And I’m not ashamed to say it. Depression is something I’ve dealt with most of my life and seemed to spike during pregnancy. The constant feeling of throwing up with the surging rush of hormones and change happening in my body left me feeling very alone. There was a cloud of guilt and regret that wouldn’t leave me. I would see pregnant women look so damn happy and nonchalant all the time and didn’t understand why I couldn’t be like that. It made me bitter and straight up miserable. I knew my body would change, but didn’t fully know what that meant. I had no idea my skin could stretch this much. It actually makes me queasy thinking about it. This line going down the center of my belly looks like you could unzip my stomach. It feels like someone has punched me in the vagina. And stretch marks…bummer. There was a specific day where I remember saying to Chris, “I can’t see my crotch anymore.” It’s led to be more frustrating than anything. No matter how much I try to stretch my head over my belly, I just can’t make it.
I went into pregnancy with a pretty naive state of mind. It seemed like the most womanliest and empowering thing you could do, and I loved that. I mean, you’re creating a life inside of you, and then birthing it! Not sure what’s more amazing than that. Maybe it was a good thing I had no clue, because if I knew how my body would take it, I would seriously consider whether I wanted to take the plunge. I’m hoping once I meet our daughter, the thought of doing this again will be a no-brainer. It’s going to have to be, because I am not having just 1 kid.
I have learned to let go, completely. These marks are my battle wounds that I can be proud of. Chris says I am the most practical, black and white person he knows. I like routine and knowing what to expect next. This makes us extremely compatible with his visionary mind. All that to say, I think I’m growing. Looking back at the state of mind I was in 8 months ago to now, I really can’t believe where I’m at.