My life changed drastically in the Target bathroom when I peed on that stick. Though I had to pee on it 5 times to convince myself it was really true. In just three minutes I went from my life being Chris and our dog George, to Chris, George, and a BABY! The emotions I felt were running like crazy through my head. Was this really happening? I’m going to be a mom! I can’t wait to tell Chris. We’re young and broke, how is this going to work?
A year ago I realized raising a family is what I want to do with my life. I didn’t go to college, instead went to beauty school. I always had a job, and made really good money whether I was cutting hair, working 9-5 at a desk, or cleaning houses. But, I had the hardest time not finding my identity in what I did. And still do. What am I proud of? What is unique about me that other people see? It’s taken me awhile to realize that what I wanted was recognition for something other than a good haircut or clean house. My constant comparison game ate away at me. How are my friends doing amazing things with their life and constantly getting recognition for it? Was being a mom cool enough to get recognition for? After some hard realizations, what I was really wanting was recognition. My motives were way off, and what I needed was to be ok with who I am and what I desire even if it doesn’t sound elaborate. My identity isn’t in the things that make me ‘happy.’ It couldn’t be. These past 6 months that have felt like an eternity, my eyes have opened! I have so much respect for moms. Respect for women who sacrifice everything for keeping a life alive and nourished inside of them. Respect for women who become pregnant more than once. It’s a job that needs to be acknowledged and rewarded more often.
I knew I wanted to be a mom, but there were 3 major things that put a hold on it. Throwing up, getting big, and labor. All of which I have experienced in full, and will experience in full! When Chris and I decided we were going to be lax about the whole contraceptive thing, I got pregnant right away. Letting go of my fears of pregnancy was huge, and something I did for myself, and Chris. I let go, and my desire to become a mom was actually happening. I felt excited and purposeful for about a week…then the thing I was dreading and fearful of the most was slowly approaching. Morning sickness! More like every day, every hour, well past the first trimester sickness.